Depression is on the side | three months of personal experience

/March 2023

A few months ago, I said to Ah Shan, who was sitting opposite me in the canteen, "I want to see a doctor."

I remember that we ate casserole porridge highly recommended by our roommates. I also remember that when she excitedly stood up from the stool and said to me, "you must try it, it's really delicious." I reluctantly promised her. Because at that time I really had no interest at all, and what I thought to myself was, "Oh, it's delicious, but I don't want to try at all."

I remember that for two weeks before that meal, I had entered a state in which sleep was nothing but sleep. I can't get up in the dorm to go to class. I can lie down and fall asleep in five minutes in class. I can't eat 30% of the food in the bowl in front of every meal.

I remember that whenever my roommate went to work as a tutor and left me alone in the dormitory, I heard someone calling me outside the door no less than three times, but when I "hey" and opened my stool to open the door, I found that there was no one outside the door. Three times it was my hallucination.

I remember lying in bed surrounded by dark blue curtains that cover most of the light. I sent a Wechat message to my friend saying, "do you remember what I said? do you really want to sleep and never wake up?"

and I, I don't know, all this because my depression has reached a serious level. Anorexia, lethargy, auditory hallucinations, wanting to end themselves. I suddenly panicked, so I said to Ah Shan in the canteen the other day: "I want to see a doctor."

A week later, I went to see the doctor alone, paying the bill, doing tests, talking, and so on.

I remember sitting outside the doctor's office after all the procedures and waiting for him to call me in to confirm the results. I looked up at the ceiling and thought, "Yes, no, it doesn't matter." anyway, you've been through it alone for so long.

two minutes later, the nurse called my name.

the doctor asked me, "are you coming alone?" As he said this he poked his head and glanced out of the door.

I said, "Yes, it's all right, go ahead."

he said: "from the report, the symptoms of depression can basically be identified, and more serious, I suggest you." I began to ignore the latter words automatically, because when he said "basically certain", my heart suddenly felt a hundred times relieved, the stone that had been hanging for many years fell, and a voice in my heart cheered, it told me: previous anxiety, negativity, grumpiness, loss of interest, etc., are not my problems. Those bad moods are not because I am a bad person, but because I have a bad illness.

/two /face it and say it.

after that, I was afraid to tell my family. I only called my boyfriend: "could you come and pick me up?" Later, we sat on the stone steps outside the hospital gate, it could be said that it was raining so hard that we could not walk, or because we did not know where to go next and what to do next.

I said, "can I be unhappy? I pretend to be tired."

he said, "of course, you fool."

I finally cheered up when I knew I could finally stop pretending to be happy. This is one of the few times I have felt "released" in recent years.

when I called Zhang Jingzhi that night, he told me not to worry at first, and asked me if I wanted to go to the delicious sushi restaurant where a bunch of us went to eat last time. I said, "No, I haven't had much appetite lately."

I learned later that he easily asked me if I was faking it, and he asked me if I wanted to eat sushi and buy the headphones we always wanted to buy, not because he really wanted to take me to eat and buy, but to test whether I was still interested in doing happy things.

We talked to each other for an hour pretending to be relaxed, and suddenly he was silent. I asked him some questions about his daily life at that time, and found that no one answered me across the microphone. I "fed" a few words, but there was no sound.

then I heard sobs. I talked to him countless times in more than a year, and we quarreled with each other countless times. I even saw that the most unhappy look of him was a fight with vivi, and then he looked like "it's no use making more money, no one spends it anyway."

but I really never heard him cry.

I am also silent. I have told others that I am very good at comforting others, because I have experienced unhappy things that others have experienced. But this time, I was caught by surprise, because I didn't understand what he was upset about on the other end of the phone.

finally we all calmed down. I said, "you helped me with the hard work after that," and he said, "Don't worry, we're all here."

that night I browsed on moments, and an old friend I used to work with shared a link on Zhihu called "what it's like to experience depression". I thought it was called "connecting with each other", but I saw him attach such a sentence at the same time: "there is another world like this."

then I knew that he didn't understand either. I even began to worry that not only he, but also my long-time friends and family, didn't understand. Like the general public, they feel that depression is "unhappy".

/3 /my personal experience

in fact, depression does not mean "unhappy". When I see jokes on Weibo, I can still retweet them by typing "ha". When I ask for leave to recuperate at home, I can also enjoy basking in the sun on the balcony.

my personal experience is that, first, depression is very sensitive and easy to be afraid of losing.

my boyfriend once had a major operation and had severe gastrointestinal bleeding. He was sent to the hospital in Guangzhou by ambulance overnight and once lost too much blood.Gram. But up to now, no doctor has said for sure what caused it, so in his view, life is very easy to go wrong, and it is impossible to say which day he will meet death again. So once he told me that he could not rely on him completely, because he was also afraid that one day I would be left alone in an accident.

at that time, I collapsed, obviously walking with him in the lively business circle, but automatically cut off the bright window and the flow of people in the past. When I heard him say, "Don't just rely on me", although I slowly listened to his experience and understood what he meant, at that moment my feeling was "he doesn't want me, what to do, my company is going to disappear".

second, even when receiving treatment with good results, there will be serious recurrence.

over the past few months, I have received biotherapy, psychotherapy and medication, and I have received good feedback from regular revisits every month.

on that day, after my revisit, I easily said to Zhang Jingzhi, "the doctor said that I was more than half better." but what I didn't tell him was that for months, during my normal study and relaxed reading of dramas and books, a voice came out of my mind for no reason and said to me, "it's better not to stick to it, and you really don't have to worry about anything when you die."

usually at these times I will clearly tell my close people that I have these bad ideas.

and they will cooperate very actively, telling me that I must consult a doctor and express the meaning of "I am by your side with you". Generally, I will calm down slowly and continue to eat and sleep normally. It is the "companionship" that has helped me again and again.

/4 /if you or the people around you are like me

first of all, you should know that depression is just a disease, which is called "spiritual cold". If you are sick, then go to see a doctor. It's as simple as that. Be sure to go to a regular hospital, preferably a big one, and be psychologically prepared for a long-term struggle.

then I hope you know that patients with depression already feel that their existence is meaningless, so a person who does not understand depression must not comfort them with words such as "you are just unhappy" and "don't be hypocritical". These words are tantamount to hurting him for the second time and making him feel that he is a wrong person.

and, quite importantly, the people around you, their company.

when I first got sick, I didn't see a doctor, and I was very weak both mentally and physically. When I was walking in the room, I suddenly knelt down and said I couldn't get tired. He quickly helped me up, and when I was lying on top of him, he suddenly asked me what I was thinking. At that moment I really thought that we had telepathy. Because at that moment I was thinking, "I really want to end my life."

the hug on his arm was even harder. I said, "I'm not going to leave all of a sudden. Why are you working so hard?"

he said, "I'm so scared."

Zhang Jingzhi wrote an article, "are you feeling better today?" That night, several of my roommates commented below: "We believe she will get better" and "Datong, get better soon, we have to play hot pot together many times." My roommate never commented under the chaos, and my roommate never said these warm words to me face to face, but that night, I was really moved.

/V /feeling of recovery

before, I never procrastinated because I was afraid that some "uncertain factors" would change the course of things in the future. Later, depression accompanied by anxiety, I began to reflect, in fact, to do things, "fast" and "competitive" are really very important?

things we don't like to do, although we work very hard and can do our best, we work very hard and sometimes make us bad.

because I'm too tired.

my biggest feeling in the recovery process is: don't force yourself to do something you don't like. Because I have really felt the value of the four words "just be happy".

so it doesn't matter if I don't work so hard now.

probably too lucky, every time I am spoiled by the people around me, I always feel a little "should not", so I try my best to write down some of my real experience and state of mind in the article, hoping to help you who is sad.

three months' experience, I will show it in more than 3,000 words here, so it is only a very small part. I hope I can continue to talk to you in future articles.

good night.

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