I also led a life of marginalization.

/March 2023

on the way back to Guangzhou from a chaotic annual meeting in Dongguan the day before yesterday, I received a Wechat from the study committee of the class, which read: in the group of winter vacation research homework, you are left over. Talk to the other team members and see if you can add you.

the homework of the research report may take a team nearly half a month to prepare. However, I looked at the message and replied, No, I'll do it myself.

on the bus back to Guangzhou, I looked out of the window-this is not the first time it has happened to me

after college, it is customary for girls to wait for each other's roommates to go back together after class. A while ago, because the internship often took the earliest bus back to class, after getting to school, he sat in the last row to make up for sleep.

when the bell rang, I could always see my roommate walking arm in arm to the door where I stood, and then, without stopping, brushed past me and left. I looked at their backs and awkwardly put away my hands hanging in the air ready to say hello.

I looked at the WeChat group on my mobile phone, and the sentence "I'm back" has long been brushed into the historical news along with me.

I always catch up quickly in the first few times, pat them on the shoulder and smile, "Oh, you forgot me again." Roommates will say awkwardly, "Oh, we didn't know you were coming back."

I responded with a smile and said, "it doesn't matter." the fingers at the corner of my coat curled up unconsciously.

after more times, I began not to tell them "I'm back" in the WeChat group, and I began to accept that they had ignored me and forgotten me for three years, and then began to come up with an idea that I didn't matter, I made up the numbers, and I was on the edge.

compared to completing heavy research homework alone, I am more afraid of the humble sense of forced integration into a group than being lonely and lost without a sense of belonging and conversion. It makes me feel cheap.

yesterday I talked about the topic of "marginalization" with Big Bear while eating snail noodles. Big Bear asked me, "do you remember there is a girl in our class in junior high school named Wen Wanyin?"

I tilted my head and thought for a long time. There seemed to be such a man, but I couldn't remember what he looked like.

"in the first and second year of junior high school, she was almost transparent, average-looking, mediocre, no one cared about her, and there was no fixed group."

"later, in the third year of junior high school, the class began to bully her for no reason, and the bullying lasted for a whole year. Pulled her underwear straps and hair and secretly hid her schoolbag. I remember once in class, the naughty boy in the class hid her chair, and the whole class looked at her embarrassed and red face looking for a chair everywhere and roared with laughter. "

"I thought she was very disgusted, but I saw her send a message on the night of graduation-the year she was bullied, I was actually very happy. Thank you for being willing to bully me."

later Big Bear said that perhaps it was more difficult for her to feel that no one cared about her than being excluded and bullied.

crowding is different from edges. The premise of being excluded is that you pay attention to me, at least for this group, I have the value of being excluded, and it is extremely humble to regard being excluded as a kind of existence value. But if I'm on the edge, I don't even have such value to you.

low existence value is better than no value at all, so thank you for being willing to bully me.

at 01:00 in the morning the day before yesterday, Asi asked me to drink and chat. As, like her Wechat signature, was a loner like the wind. When others mention Astrid, they will say with appreciation, Oh, that's a cool girl.

that night, Ace said to me, "actually, I also had a circle, but I was the one on the edge." Obviously we are sitting together, but it feels like two worlds, they are talking about the implementation steps of their grand plans, but I don't even know what their grand plans are.

they laughed so much that even though I didn't even know why they were laughing, I pulled out a smiling face to laugh with them, as if I was one of them. "

"obviously in a group, I am fluttering like leaves swaying in the wind, and I do not convert." sometimes I take the initiative to be lonely in order to cover up the fact that I am on the edge. "

Dean Onich writes at the beginning of Love and Survival: "our survival depends on the healing power of love, intimacy and relationships."

you sent a moments to share joys and sorrows, but no one gave you likes; you posted messages on WeChat groups, but no reply was brushed as historical messages; even if you were wearing clothes inside out today, no one noticed or told you.

you yearn to enter their world and get the warmth that can compete with the cold winter, only to find that you are just an outsider without a ticket, shamelessly staying in the court, pretending to comfort yourself that you are invited to the table, and then try to smile when you finally take a group photo, pretend that you are good, pretend that you are good with them.

in the end, the sense of loneliness and isolation brought to you by the edge gradually expands, and the advance becomes self-doubt and self-denial-it turns out that I don't deserve anyone to care about.

have you tried all these feelings?

what a coincidence. I've tried, too.

outside the window, it began to rain, the coffee at hand was finally cold, and the unknown slow shake in the store haunted me. I went out the door in a thin sweater and walked down the wet street, without anyone reminding me that it was cold.

looking at the people chatting arm in arm in the street, I hugged myself in the cold wind. I thought, I am really sad tonight.

when I woke up the next day, I remembered that I hadn't eaten all day yesterday. When I went downstairs to buy breakfast, I found it rained again. I stared out the door, and when I was about to walk in the rain, the resident uncle by the corridor handed it over.He came over with an umbrella and said angrily, "Little girl, it's so cold and it's raining, so you need to wear more."

"Ah... Thank you. "

I took my umbrella and went to the road. Seeing the oncoming umbrellas, the umbrellas of various colors gathered in twos and threes, gathering melancholy, curiosity, joy, laughter, seriousness and fighting under the umbrella. I went up against the current and went through them to the breakfast restaurant. I sat down and asked for a bowl of hot soy milk.

I picked up the submerged Youtiao from soybean milk, ready to eat it.

someone came up to me and asked me, "is there anyone here?"

I said "no".

"it's really cold today." Said the other.

I was stupefied for a moment. I looked up and found a girl in a scarf and a gray woolen hat. "how cute," I thought.

evening dresses for tall women gives women the unique style and comfy gowns and outfits. We have a huge selection of cuts and styles to choose from.

before I said the word "yes", she asked again, "what about you?" Is it cold? "

I just realized it, withdrew my dazed expression and smiled: "it was very cold on the way here. It was much warmer after sitting down."

Hello, everyone. I am the thorn. When editing this article, I always think of what a friend said to me: "although life is so difficult, there are still good places in life." You have to go out and meet them. "

now, I send this sentence to you, too. Good night.