I don't feel "scared" until exam week.

/March 2023

it's the end week of each semester again. Today, I have seen a photo of the school library for the third time in my moments. In the photo, the three big characters "library" are photographed particularly well in the afterglow of sunset. People who come in and out seem to have high achiever halos on their heads.

from the beginning of enrollment, I heard the senior say, "College is to soak your feet comfortably for seventeen weeks, and then gurgle down all the foot washing water in the last week."

for a long time, I took this sentence as a creed, so I read books and cell phones at the beginning of each semester, occasionally skipped class, and waited until the last week to rub my head against the book.

in my opinion, that's what college should be like.

after all, surprise attacks before exams have always been a highly efficient method. People can always produce a short-term super explosive force at this time. To put it bluntly, "deadline is the first productive force." to put it more tacky, it is said that "dogs jump to the wall". This is also the reason why high achiever and low achiever will go to the library during the exam week.

even I am always proud of it. When I had supper with Ade last night, I didn't forget to promote this theory to him, showing off my ability of "one book a day, one semester a week".

Ade smiled at me with a cigarette, as if he were looking at a retard.

after a while, he finally asked me why I chose to struggle in the last week.

"because I'm afraid of failing, you don't even know how troublesome it is." I replied.

"I didn't go to college. I really don't know." He asked me again, "so you hung up?"

I also answered him honestly: "failed."

he smiled and said, "aren't you 'one book a day, one semester a week'? Can you still hang up? "

I was a little embarrassed, so I had to say, "there are always some accidents in life."

"Don't be ridiculous, can you be scared?" Ad shook his head and put out his cigarette in the ashtray, laughing at me.

"the real fear is not like this."

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the hot cigarette butts let out a "Zi" when they went out with water, which reminded me of Ade's past.


A de is a brother of my neighbor. He is five years older than me. He dropped out of vocational high school after only one year and has done several different jobs, but he always has conflicts with his colleagues or superiors. Every time he is upset, he shook his hands. He said, "I quit" and left. No job can keep him for more than three months.

every day after work, Ade would go to the arcade to "fish" (a gambling game) and sit down for several hours, and most of the time the banknotes in his wallet were changed into game coins and stuffed into the "fish tank".

he is always looking forward to the moment when the game coin crashes out, but in fact, this rarely happens. Even if this scene does occur, it must be that Ade invested more game coins than the number of game coins dropped out.

I advised him many times, but he always said to me impatiently, "what are you afraid of? you can make money. It's important to be happy."

although in the eyes of others, Ade is an ignorant and ignorant boy, but from an early age, I feel that Ade is not afraid of heaven and earth, and is one of my backers.

Ade fell while driving a motorcycle to take me out for a ride. I just scratched my skin and left a little blood, so I burst into tears in pain. His hand was dislocated, but he helped me up from the ground like nothing happened.

when gangsters got into trouble in the alley near my home, Ade stopped me behind me and dealt with them for a long time. Although he was bruised and bruised when I came home, I still thought he was a hero.

one of Ade's favorite words at that time was: "afraid of this and that, like what kind of man."

this kind of day lasted until one day two years ago, when Ade suddenly told me that they were moving.

although I was very reluctant to give up, I reluctantly squeezed out: "Congratulations, you can live in your new home."

he replied to me with a disgruntled face: "Congratulations, my ass, we have moved back to the small house we used to live in, and the place we live now is going to be sold."

the last thing Ade told me the other day was that his mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer and spent tens of thousands of yuan on chemotherapy and nutrition every month, draining his family's savings.

at that time, I suddenly realized that I hadn't seen Ade's mother for a long time. I always wore a hat when I appeared occasionally, and I looked many years older.


I was going to go over and say hello to him, but suddenly I remembered that he had said before that he hated this kind of low-level work in public and how embarrassed it was to meet acquaintances.

he smoothed the dozens of jin of beef many times and put it into the machine in the store. Before packing up and getting ready to go home, he did not forget to hand out a round of cigarettes to the master in the store.

then I came out, pretended to run into him on the street, and took him to eat midnight snacks.

I always believed in "being born from the heart", because at that time I could no longer see any hostility on his face.

he did not intend to hide his work at all, and even with a hint of ostentatious tone, he told me that he now specializes in beef balls in a beef shop and earns more than 5,000 yuan a month. He only needs to keep 1,000 for himself, and the rest can cover the household expenses, which is much better than me as a college student.

I asked him, "Don't you hate doing these jobs the most?"

his expression was a little unnatural, but then he said to me bluntly, "but I'm more afraid of my mother dying."

I was also stupefied for a moment. I didn't know what to say. I kept thinking about Ade's favorite sentence, "what kind of man is afraid of this and that", and I didn't ask any more questions.

that picture touched me so deeply that I couldn't remember the picture after that, and I forgot what trifles I talked about with Ade later.


for a moment, I suddenly felt very ashamed. I thought I was afraid to fail, so I struggled during the exam week, but like Ade's mockery, I was not afraid. I was just enjoying the struggle. I kept pleasing myself and telling myself, "I tried."

in fact, I am just looking forward to "not failing", not really working hard because I am "afraid" to fail.

sometimes, it is not the dream, the bright future, or the thick chicken soup that makes a person really change, but his fear and desire to survive.

the yearning for light can only give people a moment of chicken blood to run hard, and the fear of darkness is the driving force for people to escape.

although I always think I have a lot of troubles, these childish troubles are more like worrying about themselves than those who struggle in society.

but in fact, everything in the world is the same, big or small, whether it's failing grades, making money, working, or life or death.

all we have to do is not to be paralyzed and recognize the darkness that may engulf us.

then, I ran away desperately.

good night.