"I don't think I can do anything well."
"I don't think I can do anything well."
this sentence was told to me by Siler in the middle of the night last week.
he always feels that he is too stupid, is easy to do wrong, and is afraid of causing trouble to others. When there was something wrong with the work of the club, he was the only one who took the responsibility because he really felt that it was caused by his carelessness.
it was also true that he was with the person he liked before. Every move and every word he said was worried about whether he would upset each other. Over time, the relationship between the two people became very cautious and careful, giving him a lot of pressure.
the other day I asked a question in moments, "do you want to say sorry to anyone?"
Siler commented below, "Yes, there are many."
he gave me several examples. He said that he was sorry to his parents because he did not become the person they expected. He was sorry for his ex-girlfriend and failed to give her the happiness she wanted. Sorry to his classmates, his group homework with poor grades is always dragging his feet.
he said, "there are so many people who want to say I'm sorry. Why am I so weak?"
I asked him, have you ever thought of saying sorry to yourself?
Siler froze. He didn't know why I said that.
as far as I know, Sile's parents have been working outside since before he went to primary school. Sile spends only a few festivals with his parents every year, and most of the time he lives with his uncle, who has three children of his own. He received little love from his elders when he was young.
since childhood, this kind of "relying on others" life has gradually made him develop the habit of not doing things "presumptuously" or causing other people's troubles.
he told me that when he was a child, he would worry that if he made his uncle unhappy and got kicked out, it was not his home and he had nowhere else to go. This is probably the reason for his extreme inferiority complex and sensitivity.
the family environment of childhood has a great influence on one's life. The lack of love, attention and care in childhood can easily cause great harm to the child's soul.
Children only passively perceive the adult's world and are used to connecting everything that happens to them.
they don't know how to influence the world of adults, they can't control the emotional changes of adults, they can only passively accept and adjust their behavior.
then attribute the adult's indifference to his own fault, and try to get the adult's attention and response.
this distorted relationship pattern is also easy to continue and become what Sile is now, always taking the mood of others as the first criterion to judge whether you are right or wrong.
when I talked to Siler that night, it always reminded me of a sentence written by Tai Jaiji in disqualification in the World,
"I am sorry that I was born a human being."
this sentence is also mentioned several times in the Life of the abandoned Pine Nut, first left to the pine nut by the writer's lover before committing suicide on the track, and then continued to write this sentence on the wall after the pine nut began her dark life.
Pine nuts also grow up in an indifferent family, and pine nuts never get the attention of their families. The father only loved his sick sister Jiumi, but never noticed the existence of pine nuts. Mother and brother are equally indifferent to pine nuts.
Matsuko is very eager to get his father's attention and hopes that his father can look at her and smile at her sometimes. But my father only thinks about his sick sister and always frowns at her.
once in a while, Matsuko made faces from a clown on the stage and made his father laugh. From then on, she always deliberately pouted to attract her father's attention, and later, as long as she was forced to do so, she began to beep.
Matsuko strives to meet his father's requirements, go to the school that his father wants him to go to, choose what his father wants him to do, and strive to be his father's daughter. But her father still didn't notice her existence. Pine nut can only look at his father's back forever, from disappointment to despair.
she bases all her hopes for love on others and asks for love from the outside world. when a person asks for love, warmth and sense of security, she is doomed to be disappointed.
because love is given by yourself, and your value is determined by yourself. Only those who know how to love themselves can get the respect and love of others.
We talked late that night, and I told him what I thought. I thought he had taken on a lot of responsibilities that didn't belong to him, and he told me the story of living in his uncle's house when he was a child.
ever since he was a child, he used to put his position very low and told himself that he could not make any mistakes, so he gradually became a thing that whenever something went wrong, he felt that it had something to do with him.
I asked him, "are you living with your parents now?"
"well, I still seldom see each other. I don't go home when I go to school. During the holidays, they also want me to find an internship or where to practice. They want me to study hard and get ahead in the future."
I was so angry that I continued to ask him, "what about you? is this the life you expect?" I think you should think about what kind of life you want and tell them, not just what they want. "
he gave me a "Let's see" after a long time, and that was the end of our chat that night.
I met him in the canteen a few days later. I asked him what you thought of what he said the other day, and he looked at me and shook his head.
"give up?" I looked him in the eye, trying to read something.
he pursed his lips. "No, me." I told my parents. I said that I actually don't like my current major and want to do what I like in the future. "
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"your parentsWhat do you say? "
"they told me to study hard and don't think about it."
at that moment, I stood still and didn't know what to say.
he smiled and said to me, "forget it, that's it. I'll talk to you next time. "
I remember a sentence I heard from the teacher in class before,
"the family environment has a great impact on the growth of children: the family not only creates the world in which the child lives, but also tells the child the way to interpret the world."
the character formed under this influence is not necessarily bad. It may have protected you and helped you at some point in your life. Like a pine nut, when she didn't get her father's attention, she found a way to make her father happy by pouting to be ugly.
in fact, this method is effective at first, but when we grow up, when our life environment changes, some of the past behaviors and habits that protect you may become obstacles in the new environment.
just like the beep of a pine nut can no longer make anyone laugh, just like Siele's unconditional pandering can no longer be appreciated.
when I think of this, I suddenly regret it. I regret that I didn't catch him at noon that day, but let him go alone. I also regret not telling him what I think in my heart:
"Siler, in fact, you are not sorry to anyone, you only owe yourself an apology. Sorry, not because you were born to be sorry, sorry, not because you were born in an unhappy family environment, sorry, not because you did not become a very good person.
because the family environment is not your fault, it is not your fault that you did not meet everyone's expectations, and it is not your fault that you did not become a good person. Your fault is that you think everything is your own fault, and you first conclude everything with'my fault'. In fact, you are just running away. A simple'my fault 'has become a cover for your cowardice, your fear of things, and the best excuse for you not to change. How can there be such a low-cost life? "
but in the end, I didn't tell him the above paragraph, because we are Siler, and Siler is us.
Hello, everyone. This is LULU from the warm Man Department. We plan to hold a bizarre internship sharing meeting in Guangzhou on the afternoon of December 11. The number of participants is limited to 20. We have heard internship stories from advertising agencies, real estate companies and even Creative Space. So this time, I am looking forward to hearing more different internship experiences.
if you want to participate in this weird internship sharing meeting, click "read the original text" to sign up. This time, both thorns and eel whales will participate. I hope to see you interesting then.