I live like a schizophrenic.

/March 2023


yesterday I received an email from a girl who loved dancing: "Today, I was attracted to a brother who didn't feel it before." This kind of "attraction" surprised her very much, because at the first sight of the brother, she decided that this person would not be liked by her. But because of her unique charm when she was taught to dance, she thought of him when she couldn't see him.

the girl thought it was wonderful, but she didn't know what to do. She kept asking herself, "if my brother couldn't dance, would I still be attracted to him?"

at the end of the email, the girl asked me a question. She said, "what about you, Zhang? have you ever thought about this question? if you are not a thorn, you are just the senior graduate dog who studies silently. Will there be a lot of people like you?"

after reading this letter, I didn't rush to reply to her, because her last question also bothered me for a long time. I have asked myself a question over and over again:

if there is no disorder, if I am not a thorn but Zhang Jingji, then where will I be? What are you doing now? "


Last Thursday, I went to Jida to share my own media creation experience with WYN and the team of creators of the three official accounts. After the end, many readers praised me and said, "you speak very well." even a classmate came up to me and asked me, "you must have said it hundreds of times." Otherwise, how could I be so free like you? "

but in fact, until the second before I took the stage, I was so nervous that I couldn't help shaking. I remember saying to the old Tom sitting next to me, "what to do? when I saw them so nervous, I began to get nervous." Finally, with five minutes left, I even turned around and said to the eel whale and Tong c, "what to do? I'm so thirsty." Eel whale yelled at me: "Editor, what are you doing? calm down, okay? it's not like you."

at that moment, the word "this is not like you" was embedded in my mind like an iron sheet, and I suddenly realized that I was a thorn, not Zhang Jingji.

in order to ease this tension, I quickly reviewed in my mind all the preparations I had made before Laijida: an hour before I went on stage, I had dinner and discussed with everyone what I should pay attention to in my speech. I left the office at three o'clock yesterday. I spent almost five hours alone in a room with curtains closed three days ago. I didn't know it was seven o'clock until Lulu called me.

I kept looking back and thinking about everything. For a minute, I even thought of myself, who had only 500 fans, and that at first others looked down on me as an official account.

when I remember how I got here step by step, from nothing to less, I was suddenly not afraid. Although my hands were still shaking, I was still very nervous. but there was a courage in my heart to face the tension.

it feels like you've suddenly made up your mind to turn over a new leaf, sweep away all the haze and become refreshed.

No, it's not "turning over a new leaf", but "knowing yourself again".

from self-denial, to looking back on past efforts, and finally regaining self-confidence, although the whole process only took me less than ten minutes, looking back on this action made me experience my life all over again.

to put it another way, it is reborn.


I used to think that running forward is more important than looking back. Before, I have always believed that life is a marathon, only by constantly running forward, can we get closer and closer to the finish line.

but later, after I really learned about the marathon, I knew that for a professional runner, they would not believe the nonsense that "life is a marathon", because they will not run only one marathon in their lifetime. After Shenzhen finished running, I went to Guangzhou, and when Guangzhou finished running, I went to Xiamen.

so sometimes, when they realize that they are not in the right state in the course of running, they will decisively give up halfway through the race, because they know their bodies better than anyone else, and carrying on will only make them lose the ability to continue running.

they will review the failure and summarize it so that it won't happen again.

on the other hand, many beginners who run clearly intend to exercise, but forget why they want to run during the race, so they finish the race in order to finish the race, ignoring the warning issued by the body, and insist on no matter how painful it is. Sometimes it is for you to hold on to the end, but so what? After cheering, running leaves you with nothing but pain.

so stop believing that "life is a marathon", because there are many marathons in life, and you can't beat others in this one, so just try the next one.

if you lose, review it. Sometimes "looking back" is more important than "running forward".

We always keep running forward, so that we are afraid of not reaching the finish line. Looking back will let you know how you got here step by step, and it can help you recognize a part of yourself.


I am a part of myself because I gradually find that there are many marathons in one's life, and it is not enough to look back.

Let's go back to the question that the girl asked me at the beginning of the article: "if I were not a thorn, would so many people like me?"

the answer is obvious. If I were not a thorn, there would not be so many people like me. Separate writing from my life, then I am a boring person, so boring that I can only play games, be clever and complain about life.

No one would like such a person, including me.

butOh, I am a thorn.

I am the one who is afraid of the stage and is so nervous that he can't stop trembling together. I was also the red-faced sophomore who competed with others for writing. The person who has been writing for three years and has made an official account called disorganized is me. And I was the one who was scolded by my girlfriend as "one of the stupidest boyfriends in the world".

when I listed them all on a piece of paper, I realized how much I looked like a schizophrenic. The reason why I am so divided is precisely because I need to run on different life tracks and struggle in different directions.

exam-oriented education, internship, work, love, friendship, ideals, and many marathons that I don't know seem to be going on at the same time. Although I didn't volunteer to participate in some of them, it seems that no matter which one of them, it can affect my whole life.

I think you should be in the same situation as mine.

because there are so many runways and so many identities, many times, we not only need to look back, but also need to look around to see those of us running on other runways, so that we can really know ourselves in constant questioning.

"who am I? Am I like the ideal me now? Or, I'm not who I am anymore. I'm the person I've been arranged for. "

Be in our stylishly fashionable junior prom dresses short. Our exquisite selections make the ideal gift.

these questions seem to return to the philosophical question of who I am, where I come from, and where I am going.

I can't give you a good answer to all this, but I can tell you that when you start thinking about these questions, thinking is already a good thing in itself.

because it shows that you have realized a very important thing, that is, you are no longer the pure you, because you have countless identities at the same time.

only by admitting that we are not pure can we break the so-called fate. And then believe that people will change.

and whether this change is good or bad, it depends on you, not on the external environment.

because we are made up of our multiple identities, we have the ability to make ourselves better.

only in this way can we stop complaining, stop relying on the guidance of others, and become independent individuals.

if I have to say some methodology, then I can only tell you: in fact, we can stop at the right time, take a break to look back, examine all of ourselves in the past, and wait until you really think "it's okay." and start all over again.

in this way, you will no longer shout "I am lost" to the empty dormitory.

good luck and good night.

I am timid, and so am bravery. Stupid is me, Congmin is also me

the one who doesn't love you, it's me. The one who loves you is also me