What determines a relationship in its twenties?

/March 2023

when I habitually poured a spoonful of hot pot soup into the dipping plate last time I ate tripe chicken with Zhang Jingzhi, they were surprised and puzzled to ask me what I was doing.

I was stupefied for a moment, because my family always does this when eating hot pot dip. After a while, I suddenly realized one thing: this is a special habit of my family.

I guess it's because my mother can't eat spicy food, so she always dilutes the spiciness of chili with a spoonful of soup, which becomes a habit over time.

later, when I thought about it carefully, I suddenly found that there are many phenomena in our family that are difficult for outsiders to understand: for example, six people eat, but when I wash dishes, I find that there are twelve bowls; every time I come home, my first meal must be seafood porridge; there must be cake at home on my father's birthday, but my father must not be at home either.

not only our family, I find that each family has its own unique phenomena and habits, which I call: tags.

my family will serve a bowl of rice and soup when we eat, so we have to wash double the dishes; I get carsick and have a preference for seafood, so my mother always relieves my fatigue with seafood porridge; my father's work is linked to the date, and his birthday happens to be his busiest day, so we always pretend to help him celebrate his birthday.

you will find that "marking" is not just a habit, it also hides emotions and experiences. Because of these unique marks, a period of kinship also has a place that can not be copied, so it has a heavy weight.

this is not only family affection, but also in many relationships, especially in student relationships that have not been overly touched by social relations.

after all, what bothers us is not that person, but the experiences and feelings that that person brings to us, as well as the marks he secretly left in his heart.

my friend Lao Yan fell in love a lot in high school, but strangely enough, after he went to college, he seemed to lose interest in most of the girls around him. Lao Yan said, "Universities are really toxic." I find it more and more difficult to fall in love with someone in recent years, and the harder it is to find friends. "

it's just that it wasn't long before Lao Yan found a girlfriend. When talking about her, Lao Yan's eyes lit up and kept telling me their experience: "she is different from many people." We went to the movies, watched war movies, and often attended lectures together.

"the funniest thing is that every time she goes out with her, she turns on the live broadcast on her mobile phone, even though there are few viewers. I really like the way she was stupid when she was high. "

Sanmao said: if you give me the same as others, then I don't want it. It is not difficult to find that people want preference rather than love.

because if we can't feel the special place of this emotion, then we can't find a reason to want this person.

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if you think about it carefully, it is easy to find that the friendships or love that you keep in mind have special experiences and markers that are difficult to copy.

this is why the experienced Lao Yan will be captured by a girl who has no bright spots. For him, watching war movies, listening to lectures and habitually live life are all too special to copy.

back to the question mentioned by Lao Yan, why is it so difficult to find friends in college, and why you can't find someone you like all the time? Is it that people in college are not as good as those in high school? Is it all kinds of pressure from reality?

I don't think so. More people can be met in college than in high school, and the pressure of reality is not completely on our shoulders.

when we were young, we would bump into deer when we held hands with our loved ones, and when we secretly went to an Internet cafe with friends, we would feel like risking life and death, because these first experiences were special to us at that time.

but after much experience, after we get used to this special relationship, our demands for the next relationship will unconsciously increase, and it will be more difficult to accept the next relationship, which is why it is hard to be moved after we go to college.

when we get along with people at this age, we often have two questions: first, am I important to him? Second, if it is not important, can feelings be cultivated?

the first question is easy to answer. Is there any difference between you and others? If so, the answer is self-evident. If not, don't deceive yourself.

there is a lot of controversy about the second question. as far as I am concerned, I think all feelings are cultivated. However, training can be divided into conscious and unconscious.

the revolutionary friendship between students and deskmates often belongs to the unconscious cultivation of feelings. You cheat together, you sleep, he helps you watch the teacher, he plays with your cell phone, you secretly make trouble, these are the process of cultivating feelings.

conscious emotional training is actually very common in college, such as carefully arranged "coincidences" by boys, gifts to please during the holidays, and class activities.

if you want to develop a relationship, you need to build one or more special tags, and the harder it is to copy, the harder it is to replace your relationship.

but understand one common thing: after An and B go through the same thing, An attaches great importance to BBJ. The reason for this is that this is special to A, but not at all to B.

to put it in perspective, Achi was ostracized before he went to college, and no one wanted to tell him anything. When the monitor gave him a notice, he was moved and felt that the monitor was worthy of a deep acquaintance. But for the monitor, this is just a small thing in his daily life.

therefore, to cultivate feelings is not to impress yourself as the premise, but to find each other's key points and weaknesses, make an article on this weakness, and establish a special mark.

at the end of the article, I don't want you to cultivate feelings too consciously..

I once chased a girl in this way, constantly analyzing why I like her and what kind of things she likes me.

after we were together, the result was not so good. Before leaving, she asked me, "can you analyze our feelings like an analytical machine?"

it was at that time that I realized one thing: "rational analysis is often inferior to perceptual understanding."

We always ask why and what it is. It's just that after a lot of things are figured out, it's not beautiful.

the relationship between people is like magic after magic, dazzling and colorful. Knowing how it works, we don't necessarily continue to like it, nor does it mean that we can manipulate the magic perfectly.

to understand that we are only in our twenties, we really don't need to cultivate our relationship with others too deliberately.

the most beautiful thing about magic and life is that it is special and unexpected. Like you, I am looking forward to a special and difficult encounter.

good night.

hi, I am the thorn. In fact, there are many kinds of love, last Tuesday we collectively gave the eel whale a more unforgettable birthday, although it is a stereotyped surprise, but it is still very interesting. Two years ago, I never thought that chaos would be what it is today, and it seems to have become a connection between many people. This kind of feeling is really good.

this morning, I received a vitamin milk from a reader from Guangzhou. I was very moved. Thank you. Good night.