When I listened to Chengdu, I thought of you again.

/March 2023

Today is cloudy, always unconsciously humming the sentence, "in that rainy town, I never forget you."

Last night, Zhao Lei posted the news that I was a singer. I remembered the memory of Chengdu and Chengdu, so I turned up the article "how long did it take you to give up on a person" written in May last year.

there was a time when I dreamt about a person for several months in a row. I thought it was terrible. I had never seen anything like this. As long as I had a dream that night, that person would appear.

it took me three months to make a decision. I went to Chengdu once when I was a freshman. I didn't tell anyone. My roommate didn't know, my friends didn't know, and my family didn't know. I took a train for more than 30 hours to see this man. I arrived at the railway station at more than nine o'clock in the evening. When the other person didn't show up at 06:45 in the morning, I bought a return ticket.

I often suffer from insomnia, but no matter how insomnious I am in the future, I can't beat the long, crowded railway station that night, where people flock to each train and return to silence after leaving. I watched so many people coming and going, like a stray dog, wondering if there was an accident in the middle of the way. I was afraid that he would not be able to find me if he didn't stay in place. I dialed 26 times. Until the 06:45 Wechat message, "I overslept."

how a person's heart is cool, it is not the ten hours at the railway station that gradually cool, but the instant that a message like ice water rattles it out.

Last night I saw a lying topic on an app that I had stopped using for a long time, and he asked, what was the last sentence between you?

"I overslept."

"it doesn't matter, I'm leaving."

when we are together, I have really imagined our future. We will graduate from college, we will get married, we will have a home with several cups, light bulbs, curtains and sofas. I've made up my mind.

but now it's like, I've laid the foundation, built the house, decorated it, and when I was ready to surprise him, he came over and patted me on the shoulder and told me that I had never been in his vision for the future.

A friend pushed a song to me before leaving Chengdu. Zhao Lei's "Chengdu". He told me a story. "I probably won't come here again," he said. "

at that time, I was in the communication school. I sat in the last row and put on headphones. Zhao Lei cycled the song many times. Zhao Lei sang, "you will hold my sleeve, I will put my hand in my trouser pocket, and I will walk to the end of Yulin Road and sit at the door of the tavern."

sing so well. I fantasized about this picture, but it will never happen to me. I didn't tell him about it, nor did I tell him that I had been to Chengdu.

in the future, my friends asked me to go to a lot of places to play. I said yes, Wuhan, Chongqing and Changsha. Only when it comes to Chengdu, I would say, let's change.

Neil, a good friend who has known Neil for more than ten years, has been dating for five years and has met the unmarried boyfriend of both parents. On the fifth year of the man's birthday, Neil went to his room to take a nap after a birthday party at his house. The boyfriend hurried downstairs when Neil was asleep and came back with an extra present.

A few days later, Neil found out that his boyfriend was cheating on him, and the other person adhered to the principle of "I cheat, I won't break up, I'm not wrong" until Neil couldn't stand the mental torture and took the initiative to break up with him.

"I didn't fall asleep at all on his birthday night. I listened to the sound of him playing games on the couch, the sound of cell phone vibrations interrupting the game, the sound of gently closing the room door, and coming back an hour and a half later. The sound of putting the gift in the cupboard. He didn't take his car keys with him when he went out. I knew they were downstairs.

but you know, every time I have a strong intuition, I dare not do anything. " That night she cried bitterly and told me that after the incident, we passed his house, and I said, as long as you let me know, I will smash the bottle against his door.

Neil, who had learned such a lesson, came to me a month later and asked me, "if that woman breaks up with him and he comes back to me, do you think I'll still be with him?"

if I had been in a good mood and kind that day, I would have stopped her, scolded her not to be cheap, and told her that time would cure everything.

but I didn't do anything. I just said, I know you'll go, I won't stop you, you're an adult, this is your life, you figure it out.

if she wants to hit the wall, I won't stop her, because if I tell her that the wall is hard and it will hurt, she wonders how painful it will be when I hit it when I pass by every day.

so I told her that if he slaps you, you step forward and let him slap you one more, and he will slap you forward again, maybe until you feel so painful that you will come and tell me that this game is not fun. I already know what the pain is like. I have to go.

when I was ten years old, I broke up with a playmate, and the other person secretly did something wrong to me. I was so sad that I cried and wrote a farewell letter all night and put it in the "old place", in a tree hole, waiting for the other party to receive it. My brother picked up the letter the next morning, and I asked him, "Why, I have given up on her and don't want to be friends with her."

my brother told me that you didn't give up on her. if you give up, go away quietly instead of running up to her and saying, "Hey, you make me sad. I'm going to leave you." you think you've given up, but that's not how you give up. My brother bullied me from an early age, and that was the first time he reasoned with me.

it took me ten years to understand this. Every time you talk about one person dying,Heart, we will set not to look at each other's moments, do not let each other see their own moments, or even delete friends, delete contact information, just wait for the other person to find out that "what I have done makes you very sad" and tell you, "I'm sorry I was wrong. I'll be nicer to you in the future."

We are always giving each other a chance, always thinking that he will look back, always thinking that he will find this place. You keep saying that you give up, but you still lean over intentionally or unintentionally when others talk about him, and then intentionally or unintentionally create chance to encounter, intentionally or unintentionally, jump on it, say give up, and then pave a hundred ways to "how can I forgive you?" have you really given up?

I am always disappointed in you and always creating hope.

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later, I no longer set permissions or delete friends and contact information, because I am sure that when I see his circle of friends, my emotions will no longer rise and fall like a roller coaster several times. I'm sure I won't have the desire to contact each other in the early hours of the morning.

if one day he takes a train from Chengdu for more than 30 hours, I will still pick him up at the railway station, have dinner with him, take him to play, and introduce scenic spots as his guide. But I will no longer supplement the small theater of "leading you to Yulin Road", because I was sure that night at the railway station, and you can no longer pose any threat to me.

I never dared to imagine what the future would be like without your participation. I always want to tell you what happens every day. I want to tell you whether I ate chicken steak or covered rice today. I want to tell you whether I drink Vitasoy or Coke.

Today I saw a nice shirt and I want to buy it for you. Recently, this movie is so good that I want to watch it with you. You are the only one I want to take home to meet my parents. Never dare to accompany me to do these things, how could it not be you, how could it be anyone else?

but from that moment on, I actually had an idea that if it's not you, it's not you, and everyone else is just someone else, it doesn't matter to anyone, anyway, it's not you. Even if it is difficult to find another person, it will make you feel that without him, the sky may fall.

half a year later, I listened to Chengdu again in NetEase Yun Music. It is no longer the noisy and warm live version it used to be. But no matter which version, when I hear it, I still think of you.

when I posted this article on Weibo this afternoon, a girl @ a boy in the comments section, looking like a couple who were going on a trip to Chengdu, and fed me dog food all afternoon. But I just smiled and thought, it's really good. About Chengdu, it's not all bad mood.