Why can't we always have a long-term date?

/March 2023

recently Alan told me that he had a "December spell" on him.

means that no matter who she is with, a relationship cannot last longer than a year, from a week to a maximum of five months.

Alan keeps complaining about why her Mr.Right hasn't arrived yet, causing her to hit a brick wall in the wrong direction, and never knowing what it's like to be a "long date".

when I asked her how many times she had been in love, she sent a "spread hand" expression to express helplessness, and then said, "I forgot."

although she has been complaining about how bad her boyfriends are, I think the failure of the relationship is probably more than one person's one-sided reason.

so I thought about it for two days and two nights, summed up the experiences of myself and my friends, and wrote this article for every Alan, talking about why we can't date for a long time.

one, "you always like to break up too much."

my pussy friend Xiaobin finally broke up with his girlfriend, and I finally breathed a sigh of relief.

when they first got together, they were as sweet as glue. Every time I saw Xiaobin giggling at his phone, I was happy for him for a long time.

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it's a pity that this state didn't last long. After less than a month together, Xiaobin quarreled with his girlfriend for the first time.

the reason is that when Xiaobin was playing LOL in an Internet bar, she forgot to reply to her Wechat. As a result, she blew up her hair and left a sentence: "since you don't think it's important to talk to me at all, then stop talking and break up."

then block moments, block, delete friends, and do it in one go.

after making seven phone calls, Xiaobin was hung up, his text messages were lost, and he was pulled into the blacklist of phone calls and messages.

in the end, Xiaobin had to send a private letter to her in NetEase Yun's music, coaxed and cheated, wrote a guarantee, and cleared her shopping cart, so as to "restore" her relationship.

I don't know if she got a taste of this. In her later life, as long as she had the slightest discomfort, she would repeat her old tricks, saying that the reason for breaking up was getting weirder and weirder, and it could even be "he assisted the female players when he played LOL", which made people ashamed.

in my memory, she was very justified in every breakup, and her favorite sentence was: "if a relationship makes me unhappy, then why should I go on?"

until one day Xiaobin finally couldn't stand it, and she blackened each other when she said she broke up, with a feeling of arrogance.

so I was happy for Xiaobin for a long time again, because he didn't have to die alone in this shaky relationship.

they all say that being together is a matter for two people, while breaking up is a matter for one person, but in fact, the one who easily talks about the breakup is only habitually throwing both of their problems to each other to solve. It is as if standing on the commanding heights and arrogantly saying, "you can do whatever you want, or break up if you can't."

the thorns often tell us that a team must move in one direction in order to walk.

in fact, the same is true of falling in love. A couple is also a small team. How long can one couple survive if they just want to leave at any time and rely on the hard support of the other?

the last sentence Abin left to her is actually worth thinking about:

"have you never thought that you want to solve the unhappiness between us together?"

2. "your quarrel has no meaning except to hurt each other."

among Alan's many love experiences, I spent the longest time with Brother Tao, but it was only five months.

interestingly, they quarreled for about two months in their five-month relationship, one small quarrel every three days and one big quarrel every five days.

the reasons for quarrelling are all trivial things in life.

for example, when they were dating, they came across a stray cat on the side of the road, good-looking and spoiled, so Alan went into the convenience store and bought two sausages to feed the cat, but Brother Tao refused to give way. It is said that after feeding sausages, the cat will lose its predation ability, have a big fight, and finally rise from a cat to a quarrel with personality problems.

for example, when two people go on a trip, Alan likes to sleep comfortably until noon and wait until he is in a good mood before going out, while Brother Tao feels that he doesn't sleep at home if he wants to sleep, so he should walk around when he finally comes out to travel. As a result, because of this incident, they each bought tickets to go home the next day, and they had a cold war for several days.

the reason why we can still be together for five months is that they don't want to break up after each quarrel.

wait until one party can't help sending a message to the other saying, "I miss you," and then make up again.

it's a pity that they finally broke up. Alan burst into tears and kept asking me, "Why is it so hard to fall in love? why do you always quarrel?"

I don't know if you have noticed that most of the causes of couples' quarrels are life trivia, but these trivialities are just a trigger, and in the best part of the quarrel, it is bound to become a conflict of another core issue.

for example, the core conflict of the two quarrels between Alan and Brother Tao is the conflict between "you don't care how I feel" and "why are you so unreasonable".

after a quarrel, if the core conflict is not resolved, there will inevitably be another quarrel over the core conflict next time. Today is to feed the cat, tomorrow is to travel, and there may be something else the day after tomorrow, but it is just another fuse.

in fact, I am not opposed to quarrelling, because quarrelling is to find out the core conflicts in a relationship.One of the ways.

the key is that after a conflict is over, after saying "I miss you" and making up, whether the two sides have settled down to communicate well and solve that core problem.

I think Alan should have told Brother Tao at that time: "I think you only think rationally, without considering my mood, so it makes me very sad." Instead of throwing the pot to the cat or the trip.

if not, every quarrel is simply hurting each other and slowly draining each other's affection.

one day, it will end.

third, "you don't love me, it's just the light and freshness on me."

many people say that when you fall in love, three months is a watershed, three months ago is a simple mode, and three months later is a hell mode.

because after being with one person for three months, each other has begun to know the root of each other, and their love pattern is basically determined, but it is easy to say that there is not much freshness.

just like before I was with the eel whale, I thought she was a gentle, considerate little lady, but then I found out that she was also a sickly and grumpy troublemaker.

as for her, she thought I was the lead singer of a band who could sing, write and shine, but found that I was an impatient, impatient, unromantic and low EQ nerd.

how close you are to one person, you will find more shortcomings in each other, and the lethal force of this disappointment is huge, because everyone will start a relationship with high expectations.

it is only natural that the higher the expectation, the more painful it will be to fall.

but there is light and gloom, which is the normality of human beings.

if you are not prepared in advance before the beginning of a relationship and realize that the "unpretty side" in reality is also a part of love, then the pain of falling is bound to make people want to give up.

boredom and tiredness are inevitable, but don't forget that freshness and excitement are never love, they are synonymous with one-night stands.

learn to endure boredom and tiredness, not to suppress yourself, but to let this relationship flow for a long time, in order to achieve lasting happiness.

as for the so-called freshness, I still like the saying:

"not to do the same thing with unknown people, but to experience unknown life with known people."

like every "Alan", I have always believed that there must be a partner in the world who is a perfect match for me, and that she is not the right person for me.

but then I gradually realized that love is not achieved by meeting such a person, because the probability of meeting such a person is close to zero.

you know, Mr.Right never falls from the sky.

No matter who you are with, there will inevitably be all kinds of problems in the process of falling in love. The important thing is not to complain, not to run away from it, but to find out where the problem lies, and then solve it together.

to solve problems, we rely on empathy, to take care of each other's feelings, and to remind myself that I am not living alone.

I think of a joke that goes like this: "every time people say they like me, I think their love is so shallow that they forget after drinking and give up after a fight." (@ Little Devil King of the second year of junior high school)

if you are always unable to date for a long time and are always unwilling to think about how to manage love, then I think it is time to ask yourself if you really like each other that much.

good luck and good night.