Will you marry an outsider?

/March 2023

I think there are two kinds of long-distance relationships, the first is that two people are in different cities and talk about long-distance relationships, and the second is that you are in the same city but were born in two regions with obvious differences. I wonder if anyone has ever asked you, or have you ever asked yourself, "will you marry /marry an outsider?"

Chen returned to his hometown after the National Day. At the dinner table with his third aunt and sixth aunt, relatives asked, "do you have a boyfriend?"

Chen Wan hurriedly waved his hand and said no, but at this age, it seemed unreasonable to say, "I don't intend to fall in love." she had to say, "No one is chasing me, and I can't help it."

on the bus home, her mother talked to her about the concept of choosing a mate and "how to choose a good son-in-law". Mother said, I do not have any requirements, the only one is not to fall in love with non-local, do not bring back some messy people.

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Chen finished wondering, "what is a messy person?"

the answer is that as long as you are not a local, it is tantamount to a "mess".

"in the eyes of others, we are not from other places, and are not equivalent to people in a mess?" Chen Wan tried to refute her.

"that's it. Locals marry locals and outsiders marry outsiders."

Chen Wan was silenced by this sentence. If she had been in the past, she might have followed her mother's wishes. At that time, she would retort because she was single a week before she went home. At that time, she was immersed in the joy of "only you can't be replaced." Embarrassingly, her boyfriend is not only "out of town", but also "provincial".

when she arrived at home that day, her mother told her clearly, "if you want to marry out of town, I will never see you again." This sentence carries a lot of weight, especially for daughters, who are always afraid of being treated as "spilled water". Filial piety is sometimes like kidnapping love, and most people have no way to disobey.

when Chen Wan told me this, she called it the most painful trouble recently. At first I would complain about the stubbornness of the older generation, but then I knew it was useless, so I advised her, "Oh, forget it. You don't have to get married together. Let's talk about it for a while."

I don't know if I beat too well. She nodded seriously, solemnly, once, twice, three times.

yesterday I saw her in Guangzhou. When I asked her boyfriend, she waved her hand calmly and "broke up".

I haven't had a chance to ask whether it is because of the region that she has lost a sentence to me, "anyway, we are not suitable."

I didn't ask her whether it was inappropriate for you or for your mother.

this reminds me that three years ago, my sister came home from Guangzhou. At that time, there was no high-speed train. A boy took a long-distance bus to take her back. I couldn't understand why it took a seven-hour bus.

the boy's name is Ah Wu, who is her boss. They are not boyfriend and girlfriend. After a seven-hour long-distance ride home, my mother treated him politely and asked me to take them to the scenic spots in town.

in the afternoon, when we were taking a tour bus in an ancient building complex, my sister suddenly said, "I'm tired and want to have a rest." later, they didn't know what to talk about. Ah Wu took a seven-hour ride back.

I was very puzzled. Ah Wu came a long way and took a seven-hour night train. He didn't stay for seven hours, and then he took a seven-hour ride back. On the way home that day, neither she nor I was very happy.

I only knew a month ago that my mother saw the kind of love in Ah Wu's eyes that day, so she asked my sister, "where is he from?" After hearing that she was from the north, my mother paused for a moment and said, "you'd better come back. I'll find you a new job."

at a party, I asked the girl at the dinner table if she would marry an outsider. More than half of them almost blurted out, "No", even Ah Qi, who I think is the most "love first".

Aqi told me in the sinking evening that at first my parents strongly opposed me to being with Archie. As you know, I was a man of the supremacy of love. I quarreled with them no less than ten times about this matter. Finally, I left, "I am responsible for my own life." I left. I didn't go home for the whole year. I didn't get any living expenses.

A Qi doesn't mind that Archie comes out from a remote area, and her family is worse off than herself, because she thinks Archie is a very progressive person. "he told me that he wanted to take root in Guangzhou, and he wanted to be very strong. At that time, he was shrouded in a halo. I nodded and told him that I would always support you."

but the night before the party, Ah Qi was broken up.

she didn't look very sad that day. She just told me that she felt sorry for her parents and planned to quit her job and go home at the beginning of the year. "it's very sad why she didn't listen to her parents in the first place. I have to find an unreliable outsider."

I asked her, "did you break up with him because of an outsider?"

she thought for a long time and shook her head.

two years after graduation, Archie, who has changed from three companies, not only has not become very strong, but has even come to a standstill. Progress has become a very difficult thing for him. "he always talks about progress, but he always does nothing. Gradually, he doesn't want to promise me, or even like me anymore."

she blames Archie for always being afraid to try and becoming more and more timid. Archie blames her for not understanding herself more and more and only complains. Last week, Archie planned to quit his job and go back to his hometown. "do you want to come back with me?" he said. "if you don't want to, I won't force you to break up."

there is a line in "I am a passerby A", "you are like a broken clock." when Ah Qi got home, he sent me this message. This is a movie I recommended to her.It is about a group of young people who came to Hengdian and thought they could realize their dream of acting as an actor, but they ended up playing passers-by for ten thousand years until they were numb. Ah Qi said that this sentence is appropriate to describe Archie.

on that day, she also said, "after I came back, I thought for a long time that out of town was not the reason for our breakup, nor was it just because we had no money. In the final analysis, it was not reaching the ideal value and not making progress."

that incident made Ah Qi realize that in fact, "outsiders" is a misunderstanding. She thinks parents want to keep their children around because they want you to find someone who is motivated and capable and who can really protect your life.

this requires a lot of conditions, such as having enough financial means to take care of you, not leaving and hurting you, but these are out of the parents' control, so there is only one way to keep the lowest cost, that is, you stay with me.

but she did not realize that not only "outsiders" is a misunderstanding, the so-called "ambition" is also an excuse, a lazy way.

I found that no matter Chen Wan, my sister, or A Qi, they are not strong enough, and they will blame each other for not being "motivated" or even "outsiders". Because they are so in need of others to take care of, not only they think so, but also their parents think so, they all know too well, "that's what I (my daughter) is."

when I write here, I find that it is not contradictory to replace outsiders with poor ones.

ordinary parents don't expect you to rise to the top in one step, and they are not great enough to take care of your feelings all the time, they just want you to have basic security. The grass-roots appearance of this kind of protection is that "there are buildings and cars".

they know all too well how difficult it is to fall in love from scratch and without material security, and they don't want you to spend 20 years paying for a building or a car when you have a choice.

all parents see is whether the combined level of the two of you can support your life, for example, they want the two of you to contribute 1 million together. When your level is only enough to take out 10, 000, and your parents think that your ability ends at this time, you always habitually expect each other to come up with 990000 to maintain this balance, so the other side should have 990000.

this 990000 is his ability, his progress, his responsibility, you don't seem to think about how I'm going to be able to come up with 500000, 700000, or even 990000.

when your ability has reached the "990000" level, whether the other person is a foreigner or not, whether he or she is motivated or not will not become the core issue that determines your relationship at all.

most people will set "non-local" as a threshold, but it is only the lowest hurdle. The next higher level of this hurdle is ability, and ability refers to "the ability of two people".

so if someone asks me again, "will you marry an outsider?" I will tell them that this is not a question worth considering.

I will only consider whether we can have a 1 million relationship together. Whether the other party can reach 990000 is out of my control, all I can control is that I want to be a person close to 500000 or even 990000.

finally, I hope you can be your "990000" instead of the other person's "10, 000".